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General Site Info => General Discussion => Topic started by: team39763 on May 09, 2009, 04:14:03 pm
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My dad just passed away a week ago. I'd been in denial the whole time up until the funeral. I didn't want to go to the viewing, but I went anyway. I couldn't bring myself to look at my dad, so I sat in the back and watched the slideshow they put on. I'd avoided an emotional breakdown until that moment. I went running out and nearly made it out of the building before I started crying. It's just so hard to believe that I'll never talk to him, see him, or be around him again. I loved my dad so much...he was my super hero. Even to this day, I still want to be just like him in almost every way. Another thing that really burns me up inside is the fact that he was such a good guy. He had his flaws like the rest of us, but overall, he was a great guy...people really liked him. I feel like he was taken too soon, he was only 47, but on the other hand God knows what He's doing.
One thing I'm grateful for is that I got to talk to him a week before he died. We talked about old times, old memories and plans for the future. We talked and laughed, he talked to my daughter and we had a good time. I pretty much got to tell him everything I wanted to tell him. I told him how much he meant to me and how much we loved him. Another thing I'm thankful for is that he found God recently(within the last couple years). He became very spiritual and I have no doubts that he was saved. At his funeral, we learned that he had been attending a small church for a while and was a very loved member.
One thing that really burns me up inside is the way my brother ended things with him. My dad and brother had been in conflict for the past 6+ months and weren't talking. The issue between them was so minor and so stupid...actually, it was my brother who had the issue. My dad tried many times to call my brother and reach out to him, but my brother refused to answer his calls. My brother talked trash about my dad all the time - he needs to be a man and apologize...he needs to come see me man to man...he needs to come over, drink some beer and discuss things like a man - those were just some of his comments. My Dad was very sick with multiple cancers and paralyzed majority of the time my brother was talking this mess. My mom and brother wished death upon my dad 'til the day he died. After my dad died, my brother started acting like he was "Super Son"...only because he was told he might be getting some money. It really makes me mad, but I'm not the type to confront people about stuff. I kinda feel like a coward because I haven't confronted them. I was really ticked off at the funeral because my mom was talking trash about my dad during the viewing and my brother was running around like a jackass. My brother's only concern at the viewing was that he himself looked better than everybody else.
The rest of the family seems to be torn over whatever money/property might be left behind. People are acting different and saying things that they wouldn't normally say. It's really shocking. I'm not usually family oriented, but now I'm really feeling like isolating myself from them. There's so much tension in the air right now. I'm almost to the point of changing my number and moving somewhere just to avoid being caught up in ugly situations. I know I need family in my time of grieving, but my wife and daughter are the only things that make me feel better during this time. I'm sorry about posting all this babbling, I just needed to vent and get it off my chest. I don't have any friends in this town, so online was the only place I could let it all out.
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Let er rip....I was 17 when my brother was killed. It ain't easy, but it gets better with time. Remember it isn't your fault and there was nothing you could do to keep him around longer.
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Hey team, You seam like you have a very good head on your shoulders. I went through the same thing a couple of years ago with my grandmother. I took care of her for over ten years and everyone was right there at the end with their hand out. Money is the root of all evils. Hopefully your Dad had a will and things will kind of take care of itself. Keep your head up and remember the good times you had with Dad. He sounds like a super Dad compared to most now a days. It will hurt forever but do the best you can. My Grandmother was the best person in the world to me and I miss her everyday. You have to go on for your wife and daughter. They will support you through all of this and we will to!! I will have prayer for you and your father and hope the situation improves for you. Regards, Chris
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I have a feeling it may be the same with my brother and I when it is time for my dad. I know how he was when my mom passed 13 years ago and when my Dad found a perfect soul mate and got married. Instead of being happy for him he got all bent out of shape. I'll be praying for you, your Dad was saved which makes all the difference. Look to God for strength and he will comfort you in your time of need. I couldn't imagine my life without Jesus, gives you a different perspective when looking at worldly events and dealing with unsaved family members. It will get better with time. God Bless, Carl
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My father died when I was 14. I was being a real jerk to him the day he died; giving him the silent-treatment over some minor thing I can't remember now. It bothers me to this day that that's how thing ended between us. You are very fortunate to have had a good father that you looked up to and admired, and to know that he knew he was loved and admired before he died. And even though you can't make any new memories with him, you can cherish the ones you do have.
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I went thru the same thing with my Grandad just a few years ago. He was put in a nursing home at his choice because he didnt want to be a burden on anybody. He and my mom had gotten into a disagreement right before my grandma passed, and she didnt talk to him but once or twice in the remaining 10 years of his life. While he was in the nursing home, myself, my wife and daughter, his barber and a close family friend that took care of him and my grandma when she was alive, were the only ones to see him in the home. But, at his funeral, there were many people who hadnt seen him in many, many years. Most of them had one question in mind "When are they reading the will?" To know me and how I felt about my grandpa is to know that it took every ounce of control I had not to start ripping some heads off. My grandpa was the main father figure I had. At one time in my life, it wouldnt have been a pretty site. I, too, had given my problems to God, and that is what changed my way of thinking.About a year or so before I married my wife, I was known for a bad, and violent temper to anyone who crossed the line, even a little bit. Their selfishness will be theirs to answer for, not yours. You will be in our prayers, this I promise. Funerals seem to bring out the worst in people. Your mind is on the right track, so hang in there, the pain will pass. I have also found that friends ( in person or online) are most of the time better family members than real blood relatives. God Bless you and your family.
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Thanks for the encouraging words guys. I really appreciate it.
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im praying for ya! man
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You can't change the fact that people will act in a certain way nor can you expect people to think like you do. You have your feelings and you sound mostly right however they have their feelings and point of view for their own reasons. I know this because of the relationship I've had with my father. He made my life pure heck and then was absent leaving many scars behind. Just recently he tried to make some sort of amends and while my two sisters have their point of views along with my mother the way I think and feel is very disturbing to them. I was beaten, belittled, and put down my whole life by him and now he recognizes I'm a self made man and sees how he screwed up so bad. Part of me wants to beat his ass into the hospital, part of me wants to ignore him and part of me wants to hug him and say take me fishing dad. Nevertheless you had a good ending and relationship with him and the bottom line is that is all that matters. God, family, and everything else matters very little over what you hold inside yourself as to how you feel about him. If your family and brother and everyone else is in it for his estate, so be it. If you feel like being vocal then be vocal rather than wishing you were and never saying anything at all. It's speak now or never in my opinion or you will be more resentful. Let them know how you feel and learn how to let your emotions out especially to your family. I am sorry for your loss.
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My dad is my hero too, thankfully I still have him around, almost lost him earlier this week though. Anyways its the same way with me and brother...he talks bad about my dad but dad loves him and tries to make things right. My brother doesn't see the big picture, but thats a whole 'nother story. Sorry to hear about your loss Team and my thoughts and prayers to you.
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Keep your head up and as long as you remember, he is not gone---you know part of you is him, and he lives on.
I was at my parents' house the other night, the house I grew up in, and we were sittin at the dinner table and I was correcting my son (4 yrs old) about a few things and I didn't care one bit that everything I said was a repeat of over 30 years ago by the man who was sittin to my left. Nearly everything I said to my son was a direct quote from my old man correcting me. He is nearly 70 now and still gets around very well and we can nearly read each other's mind, like that same night I was trying to start the ATV for the first time this season which sits over at their house and it wouldn't start. I was getting ready for a trip to West Va and the ATV trails for later this week. We both were looking at the same thing, checking for spark, checking for fuel, etc... trying to diagnose the problem. it reminded me when I was a teenager and working on the old mustang. We both work so well together and respect each other's input and knowledge. I brought that ATV to my house to work on it and last night I took the float and needle out of the carb and the needle, as my hunch was, stuck from the old gas not allowing gas to enter the carb. I tore the carb apart and fixed it and the first person I called to tell was the old man--i called his cell phone and put mine near the exhaust pipe so he could hear it purr.
Team, what you said about your dad are the exact words I would love to tell my dad and the first thought I had was to print out what you typed and throw that in a card for father's day for the old man. Your words were well put and nicely said. I am sure he was proud of you and remains so looking over your family now. That's all a father could ask for, to be proud of his kid.
If I had to leave this earth tomorrow I will be fine with that for I know my son will grow into a person to be proud of--everyone already is talking about how well-mannered he is for a 4 yr old and does what you tell him. I can't help but to give credit to my dad for giving me the knowledge to be a good father.
I am sorry your old man died at 47, but, there is a reason for everything, even though we don't know what those reasons are yet--we don't know what the big plan is.
It seems there is a pattern of siblings not sharing similar opinions about their old man. I guess the family group is representative of other populations--many have different opinions. My brother, simply put, is a meat head. My dad and he cannot get along for anything. Yet, my dad will and does bend over backwards for anyone to help them out. I know there will be problems when my dad does go, because both my brother and I love the river house he has and spends a lot of time at. Knowing my brother, he'll probably move into that house even though he will only own 50% of it---it's a nice place right on the Chesapeake Bay--a great escape, but, I know already there will be problems later down the road. It is a shame.
Team, you are a smart fellow. That doesn't mean there wont be pain. It's a shame that the more you love someone, the more the pain there will be. Pass on what you have learned from your old man to the next generation and you can't go wrong.
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You're right Vile, I can't control how they feel or what they do. It just really sucks to hear them wishing death on my dad and hating him and being so evil to him. Then at the same time they are expecting something from him like he owed them and acting like they really deserve it. I understand that they have thier own reasons for the way they feel, but I just wish...well...I don't know what exactly I wish. I guess it's just painful to know that they don't care that he's gone.
You're right it's now or never....my choice is never. As much as I hate what they say/do, I love them too much to start any problems between us.
SgtDel and bmaier: sounds like we have similar siblings. And yes I will surely pass on my life lessons to the next generation.
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One prayer sent your way :) I have a sister sort of like your brother. She tries so hard to make people think she's truly good that people think the opposite. And she's greedy too, only wants to know what she can get and won't help anyone out unless she gets some $$$ in return. heck, I keep my grandads house and everything involved running and in good shape and have NEVER charged him one cent, unless it was for parts or something that I couldn't afford. My sister used to clean his house, but always charged $20 an hour and didn't show up half the time. She's pulled some new crap at the end of '08 to where shes no longer welcome around me, my mom and my dad. To get to my point, while it bothers me what she and a few other family members do, to me my main problem is that at times it seems like the whole family is going to pot and I hate the people who cause it, for it.
Grandmother and grandad do have money, on both sides of the family. Now with that said one grandparent on both sides has died and on both sides a bunch of "family" members started trying to divide up the leftover property and had already started squabbaling over it. Well here's the problem, on both sides one of my grandparents is still alive, so as I see it, one's still alive so they get to keep EVERYTHING, no question. however not everybody thinks that way and that bothers me a heck of a lot. I popped my sister a good one, because grandmother had this nice ring my sister always wanted and she found out they were burying grandmother with it and she had the balls to ask grandad if she could have it instead. I lost it that time and put my hands on her, once I saw grandads face. But she's one of those people, and weather they're family or not I don't have to associate with those people and I don't.
You just have to decide if they did something you can forgive. if you can really forgive them go forward, if you can't, there's no real point in going forward until you can. But I would make it known how you feel about all this. Confrontation sucks, but it's needed and can help a lot sometimes.
Good luck!
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Team, my father passed away 19 years ago...he was 48, I was 24 and a Corporal in the Marines at the time...I still miss him like heck and reading your post made me feel that pain all over again...and that's a wonderful thing! Like SgtDel said, "the more you love someone the worse the pain is". I'm sure we're all praying for you and your family. God bless you in your time of grief! I feel there is nothing you can do about your brother and his situation, but no one can ever take your memories and love for your father! Believe me, the pain never goes away, but it sure makes you cherish him all that much more...Now that I'm bawlin' like a baby, I'm gonna go have a beer with Pops at the cemetary!
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Thanks guys...ya'll really have made me feel better.
What exactly happens with the will? Like does a lawyer contact you or something? How do I know what was intended for me? I saw one version of the will, and 2 things were left to me...a very nice ring that's been in the family for years, and my parents van. Both items are missing. The ring went missing when my father died, and the van was taken by some local thugs that claimed to be my dad's kids. I don't plan to make a fuss over it, I was just wondering who has authority over the property until it's given out.
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When they did my grandads will, it was the lawyer, and the appointed executer of the will who had control over things. I didnt really care what I got, or even if I got anything. I was concerned that the wishes of my grandad in his will were met. Pictures were worth more to me than anything else. This is the hard part. Find out who is the executer of the will, and check your options. Also make sure the lawyer is doing his job. I have seen them milk an estated more than once because the family thinks it just takes so much work. My grandad had a good lawyer who tried to get him to do things before he passed to help the familyget more of the estate, but grandpa didnt understand what he was saying, and ignored him. The government got alot of grandpas money because if it. It took longer to get his stocks, bonds, etc consolidated than it took to actually do the will. If he doesnt have alot of investments, then it shouldnt take too long. If he gave it to you in his will, I would be making sure his wishes were fulfilled. He had a reason. Prayer over this will help, and Ive got your back here.
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I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. Thoughts and prayers are with you. It is amazing to me that when some one passes people turn into vultures. I hate that greed in people. My wife's stepfather passed several years ago and some on his family members who had never been around swoopped in and tried to take all his stuff he use to make these things for the yard like lawn ornaments they were in my yard because he lived with us and these people who I didn't even really know said they had to have these things even his cloths and stuff. It was so stupid in my opinion. I always think that they will get thiers in the long run. "God dosen't like ugly" thats what always think.
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I'm sorry for your loss, dude. I have what I hope to be a couple of things to help you with your grief and feelings of hurt and pain from losing a dad. My dad died in 1998 when he was only 54 and I was 23. He was diagnosed with cancer in Dec. 1997 (after months of nagging leg pain that his doctor dismissed....) and was gone July 14, 1998. Anyway, it's great that he found God and that you have belief in God too. What can ease the pain is this, and this is what I said in a eulogy I gave at my dad's funeral:
It's not goodbye, Dad. It's see you later.
Man, I'm welling up already just typing that. I said this to him too when he was in Palative Care at the hospital. He was in a drug-induced state of semi-comatos from having just had a stroke and the pain of the cancer. I had a moment alone with him in the room when everybody else left and I said to him "Dad, if you gotta go, you gotta go. And it's not goodbye, it's I'll see you later." That helped infinitely with trying to deal with his death. That was on a Friday and he died the next Tuesday. I was so glad I could say that too him. I'm sure he heard me. There was a moment earlier where he came out of his state and knew I was there and tried to talk to me. It was only for a few seconds, but I knew he could hear us. Anyway, maybe that'll help you.
If you can even use just that to seek out a life living for God. That doesn't mean you have to become a preacher, but living a life with God in it can be amazing. That part right there about knowing you can see him later might be all the reason you need.
The other part about keeping your dad's good memory alive is wanting your daughter (I have one too, she's 3) to think of you when you're gone as lovingly as you do about your dad. So keep that in mind when you are trying to instill words of wisdom and being loving but firm when you need to be. She'll know later on in life what a role model you were trying to be. More often than not, women marry men that were like their father so you obviously want that man to be a good man, just like she wants her father to be.
As for your family, that just adds fuel to the fire. Don't let them tarnish your memory of your dad, but accept the fact that you can't change what they think or feel, so don't get caught up in it. Make it known it's not okay for them to talk about him negatively in your presence but that's all you can reasonably do.
That's awesome you were able to say those things with your dad while he was still here. My dad was a good guy with a good heart, but didn't show it all that much or was too vocal about it. He was raised that way. As I became an adult I tried more to know about him and what he did for a living and such but it was somewhat hard when you live 1000 miles apart. After he became sick, I travelled to see him about once a month. We still didn't get into very emotional conversations but even just watching TV together, we were spending time together. I wish we had more talks though. My brother is more emotionally inward than I am and I think he's still bent that my dad died but he isn't very close to God so I don't think he has any mechanism for dealing with it other than anger and hurt.
I didn't get a whole lot of anything when my dad died and thankfully for my own sanity I wasn't expecting or wanting a lot. I got to take some of his clothes and jewellry which is fine, as they were personal things of his. But his 2nd wife of 10 years got whatever insurance he had and she was living with somebody else within a year and her kids got their travel trailer and such. I dont' even think about it nowadays. I just miss him but feel better I'll see him later.
My dad's sisters (2 of the 3) apparently have suggested that after my grandmother passes my brother and I, and my dad's brothers kids (he died in 1984) shouldn't get anything in the will because our dads have died. Does that not sound ridiculous? My brother is harsh bent about that but I think thats more resentment about my dad dying coming out. I'm not sure what I think about that. If it's true, my aunt's are cold people.
Anyway, I've written a novel. I hope my words have helped you out some.
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there isn't really much I can add other than prayers from us a 73-87chevytrucks. Hang in there, it will get better. Just remember the good times.
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SUX2BU99.........well said..... All of it, especially "It is NOT goodbye, it's see you later"
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Thanks, Chop.
On a side note, not to take away from Team's thread, but what I said about my aunt's when my grandmother passes.........my mom phoned me today. My grandmother passed away this morning. :-[ How weird is that?
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SUX2BU99, sorry to hear about your loss as well. You and your family are added in our prayers.
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SUX2BU99, thanks for your words...I really like that see you later part. I was just outside calling my dad's cell phone just to hear his voicemail message...I probably called about 20 times...I was feeling bad and missing him. But what you said makes a lot of sense and I truly know I will see him later. Sorry about your grandmother.
I asked about keeping some of my dad's clothes, but my brother(the one who hated my dad) decided that he's getting all the clothes. My brother is too snotty to wear used clothes, I don't know what he wants them for. I'd actually wear my dad's clothes, I have been for the last few years. I remember he gave me this one button up shirt. When I was little, he used to wear it on weekends when he was cooking brownies and cookies to reward himself for sticking to his diet. LOL. Now I wear it when I'm cooking for my wife and daughter. Anyway, they ended up finding the will and my uncle is in control of everything, so I will most definately get what my dad intended for me to have.
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Right on, man. Glad to hear it. Hey, nothing wrong with wearing some of your pop's stuff. I have a jean jacket of my dads. One of those with the cordouroy collars. It's small on me but looks fine as long as I don't button it up lol I use it to wear it quite often. Wear his stuff proudly dude.
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As if things weren't bad enough, now I'm having marriage problems. I just found a note my wife wrote saying she loved some lawyer in another town. This sucks.
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As if things weren't bad enough, now I'm having marriage problems. I just found a note my wife wrote saying she loved some lawyer in another town. This sucks.
Team, go take a vacation. I don't know what else to say, I really feel for you brother. For me, it would be a week backpacking in the mountains. Some like a week at the beach. Some guys here would bury their head under the hood for days. Whatever you need to do to clear your head - do it! You've been kicked enough, now it's time for some "you" time.
How could she do this to you at a time like this? The only thing I can think of is the death of your dad has caused her to do some soul searching and she feels life is too short to keep going down the same path. Either way, she needs to grow up. This is just another example of someone putting themselves first at the expense of those that love them.
In a way, this is not a much different than your mom and brother talking smack about your late father. But in the end, they will have to live with their actions while you can live comfortably with the knowledge that you and your dad parted ways on terms that were agreeable to the both of you. It's tough knowing you'll never see him again, but the sharp pain eventually subsides to a dull ache. You will always have more that you wanted to do or say, but that's why I try to live each day as if tomorrow might not come. That's not to say I live with reckless abandon, but I try to do things now that I would regret not doing later on. I try not to hold grudges, I'm true to who I am, and I don't let a whole lot keep me awake at night.
Life is too short to dwell on things you have no control over, and you'll save yourself a lot of heartache to remember this as the vultures circle during the reading of the will. I've seen respectable people turn into greedy pieces of excrement when inheritance is involved, it's honorable folks like yourself who can say "Whatever, I got everything I needed from him when he was alive." Kudos to you Team and keep your chin up. I'm not religious by any means, but if you are then grab hold of your faith and don't let go. You can get through this.
No matter how alone you feel, there are more people than you ever thought of that love you. Team, the sun will shine on you again. Believe in it.
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I would love to take a vacation, but I just can't. I love my wife and daughter and I can't sleep without them. No matter what my wife does, it doesn't change the fact that I love her and considered her my best friend. It just sucks that things like this are a habit of hers and she was raised this way. Leaving isn't an option for me though. I may have to go jump under the truck for a few hours though.
Her story is that the note was just some "doodling" that she did while she was on the phone talking about the guy. She said she didn't realize what she was writing and she didn't know that she wrote that. I really don't care if it was an accident or not, I feel disrespected. She did more of her "doodling" on her family's phone book on several pages for everybody to see. The guy's name and hers are all over the book with hearts and stuff. She did it about 15 times on one page, so I'd say she's pretty obsessed with the guy....I remember she used to write my name like that.
I decided I'm not going to the reading of the will. My uncle will do the right thing and see that I get what my dad wanted me to have.
I really hope things do get better. I guess all I can do from here is to look to the Lord for guidance and strength.
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Man I don't really know the right thing to say. But keep a good head on your shoulders and keep looking to God for the answers. Someone told me once that "God won't put more on your plate than you can handle". But I think WOW how big a plate to I have to have sometimes.
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Someone told me once that "God won't put more on your plate than you can handle". But I think WOW how big a plate to I have to have sometimes.
LOL...that made me laugh. I feel the same way sometimes. I think everything is ok now. What matters to me is that she still loves me. Besides me finding her "doodling", she's been pretty good to me lately. So, I'm willing to get over it for now and concentrate on moving forward.
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hang in there man!