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General Site Info => General Discussion => Topic started by: 80stepsideguy on March 02, 2008, 03:17:29 pm
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Everyone,
as of late my ol man has been really on my rear bout me spending my money and i need some helpful input.See they live with me due to finanicial reasons and we split our bills down the middle.He and i had a big fallout today bout the thing of course money.He said i should save everything i make and not spend money on this truck i am building.He thinks i am wasting my money.For the past 17 years he has been doing this to me nad i am tryingto get thru him that ia mgetting tired of him getting on me bout this and my mother tells him to lay off.He still doesnt listen and questions me why did i buy it and what did it cost.Well i have had enough n got all over him but how i make more than he does and how i am getting really tired of him.She (my mother) said i should apologize to him ,Itold her i refuse to apologize and i am tired of hearing this crap.I pay all my bills on time and put money away in my retirement funds and put money away each week.I am at the point where he thinks he rules me and my finances in my own life and home.Its to the point where i want nothing with him and dont need a lecture on what i should do.I know things in life today are not what they were like 15 years ago but still i need to have fun and i am at the point where i need to sneak around him to do so.What am i missing here guys? Please i need your help to tell him to lay off and leave me alone.
thanks
pat
p.s. sorry i am ranting but i got noone to turn to on this
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if its your house its your castle. Its none of his business what your spending and on what.
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Not sure how old he is, but you need to remember he is from a generation where things were much harder to come by. Plus you also need to remember he will not be around forever.
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Pat...this is tough and I wouldn't want to be going through it. Just remember he is looking out for what he thinks is best for you. He might not want you to end up in a situation like he is in right now. Like Blazin said he won't be around forever and it would be a shame to not have a relationship with him over something as frivolous as money or a truck.
I could go tomorrow and get all the cool toys and buy whatever I want for my truck, but I like to have a reserve just in case something happens. You really don't know when you might be unable to work and that might be the perspective your dad is coming from.
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I appreciate the replies, i understand he is old school and i am not old school, i dont smoke or do drugs or gamble.I am not in debt up to my eyeballs and so forth, i got a passion for classic cars and trucks and dont spend my entire paycheck on them.I put my priorities 1st and then these vehicles 2nd,I am sorry to you all if you feel uncomfortable on this subject i been battling with him since i was 17 on tihs and i cant take it much longer on this.Iknow he wont be around forever but you gotta realize sometime in life he has to just stop and let me be and let me be happy.I know my limits in life when to say enough is enough.F/E the way fuel prices are going he complained bout paying for fuel in my 01 ram which he drove every day, well i put almost 4k into a everyday car just for him so he can save money on fuel.I do what i can to make him happy and it seems its not enough.We hang out on weekends since i work nights and never get to se them(parents) and 1 day a week he hang out n this happens i dunno guys something has gotta give here or i am gonna go nuts.I threatened to sign everything over to them take what money i got in my account, take my clothes and the car i fixed for him and go back up north, that is how much i am almost ready to take this.
thanks
pat
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It's true that you should have money set aside for hard times and you should take care of your high priorities first, because when you don't you enevitably become a burden on someone else. But if you save everything you earn and never spend it on the things that make you happy, you reap no joy from your labor. What's the point in earning a living to survive if your not living (loving) your life. It's the whole "live to work" vs. "work to live" cliche and I have to favor the latter. We don't live in an age where survival should be the best we can hope for.
Family and finance tend not to mix. I'd just try to avoid/change the subject and try find some common ground with your pop. I lost mine when I was a sullen rebellious teen and would give anything to have him around now that I'm a mature, well-adjusted adult. LOL.
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i may not know much about trucks, but i think i know something about psychology (and a little about finances).
1)Are you all living together due to financial difficulties on your parents part? Due to difficulties on your part? Or both?
2) When you say that you split all bills down the middle, could you explain in greater detail? Whose name is on the title of the house? Yes, i am being nosey, but you asked for an honest opinion.
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We don't live in an age where survival should be the best we can hope for.
It is not about survival it is about building wealth. (http://arhunter.net/forum/Smileys/classic/wink.gif)
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Pat,
print this thread out and let him read it. What's the worst that can happen? He'll see that there is a big issue. Acknowledge that you know he does this because he cares about you. But, as mentioned earlier, we all need our hobbies to get away from the other worries in life.
My wife knows i need my hobbies. My job is quite stressful enough. My hiking, campin', and bluegrassin', book collecting, and website creations, aren't cheap, but I need those things for my mental health. And as you mention, it not like you are on drugs or throw it all away on cigs and alcohol. Things could be much worse.
You both should listen to Montgomery Gentry's song, "something to be proud of"--read the lyrics, they are powerful
http://www.cmt.com/lyrics/montgomery-gentry/something-to-be-proud-of/6491424/lyrics.jhtml (http://www.cmt.com/lyrics/montgomery-gentry/something-to-be-proud-of/6491424/lyrics.jhtml)
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Pat, I think EVERYONE has given you good sound advice. Maybe go read the "Honor your Dad" in this section & wake up tomorrow & try to start fresh & talk to him. Just my little bit of advice, Lorne
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My dad was doing the same thang to me but he was stuck in his way's I just do what im going to do and turn the other chech to him and tell him i'll be allright one day he's not going to be there to gripe at you.
JUst smile and find something to change the subject i miss my dad a lot,and i hope you here me out it the little suff your going to miss!!
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i may not know much about trucks, but i think i know something about psychology (and a little about finances).
1)Are you all living together due to financial difficulties on your parents part? Due to difficulties on your part? Or both?
My finanicial is in great shape it`s his thats in the downward spiral he lost his job in 2000 after 23 years with the comapny, i was 26 and helping him and mom with the bills like electric,phone,cable,heating, and on top of it all my bills i ma very meticulous of my credit and take alot of pride in keeping it great shape.I helped him get his motorcycle in 2003(brand new if i may add) ad just signed my name on the dotted line for thier new 2008 chrysler 300.
2) When you say that you split all bills down the middle, could you explain in greater detail? Whose name is on the title of the house? Yes, i am being nosey, but you asked for an honest opinion.
My name is on the title of the house everything is in my name the house the new 300 the 01 ram the cougar the car i rebuilt for him the motorcycle i sigfned for him(that he payed for but still coughed up 2k of my own cash for it) We split the bills down the middle, there finaniucial situation couldnt get them a loan for a home but my credit was perfect enough to help us get the loan and as well as refinance to get the 40x40 in the back yard.Truthfully he has no respect for me or my happiness i give him a roof to live under i give him cars to drive i give him motorcycles to ride and i am trying to make him happy and its not working.I know he gave me the biggest gift of all which is life but he judges about everything i do or say or the people i hang around. Again i am sorry folks for typing this i feel embarassed bringing my dirty laundry to this .
thanks
pat
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I here ya. Maybe it is his way to keep some kind of self-identity--he's probably been giving advice (good or bad) all his life and he can't stop.
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It sounds like you have to find a way to establish some boundries without hurting his feelings. It seems like it is costing you some money to keep him happy and its obviously not working. You have an unwritten contract with the financial situation locking you out on any easy way out, your stuck with him. Draw the line, make conditions reminding him of his position. Its probably pretty hard for him to except living under your roof and having a lack of control after a life of being the head of the house hold. He's going to have to work it out otherwise you will end up hating each other. They say distance makes you closer, now you know why. I'm not close with my father, he used to act the same way and I could'nt wait to get away from him when I did (distance did not make us closer) and today I feel bad about it. Dont be me.
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Since he has experienced loosing a job I would assume that he is scared that it will happen to you also. And since he is in finacial difficulties now I would think he is in fear of you spending X amount on a vehicle and not be able to support his comfort level. I would just talk to him and ask him what his concerns are. Figure out what is really going on with him....
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Dude alot of parents dont no when to let go....They always see u as the lil kid that was taring something up lol....U should be happy that he cares!
I mean he could worse alot worse...My father takes advantage of pepole and then moves on to the next...my own father was going to "hook me up" with a 1998 ford ranger cpl years back...Said it was a deal of a life time..I could have it for 5 grand.....Well yea....When i said no all he did was run his mouth about me and brag how he bought it for 300 dollars from some older gentlemen that needed to pay his rent cause his SSI wasn't in!!!!
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I understand where your comming from man but ya gotta realize im 34 years old and you cant hold onto your kids like this for the rest of your life.I made it clear if this continues to escalade i am leaving here and moving back up north to rhode island.I moved down here for them, i had plenty of friends and family there icouldv stayed with n perhaps gotten married and had a family but i chose them(parents).Like i told my friend in maryland last night it seems he expects me to work 7 days a week and pocket everything i make and not have any fun.I refuse to live like that especially in my own home.
thanks
pat
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Dear old Dad needs to mind his own business. Anything aside from your shared responsibilities is of none of his concern. If you want to spend your $ on your truck, booze, women, etc it's none of his business and you should tell him to but out and respect your lifestyle.
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My father in law used to live with us cause hes a bum that wont work...he tryd to steal my tools to pawn...Well 60 years old or not i had to kick him to the curb....Sounds really bad....But whats the point of life....If you cant live life the way you want it?....Even tho it was my home my stuff i got treated the same way you did. so i no how you feal dude...I dont regret the choice i made....But you might and thats what you gotta think about before u do something that big...Like ware will they end up with out your help?
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I feel for you Pat, but, I am not one to give this kind of advice. My relationships with my parents are not so good - good luck with whatever you decide. With a problem like this I find praying helps :)
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JUST KICK HIM OUT ALREADY AND GET RID OF THE HEADACHE.
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Well, I can't say much from this stand point. Me and my dad are the same way with cars, we both love them fast, we both love them American V8's and we both love them to be all chromed out and looking fly. But my grandpa isn't like that. He's like your dad. Tells me to save my money for something else. But then again, there really isn't anything else for an 18 year old to spend his money on besides girl friends and cars... that and the occasional stogies for the drag strip meets. But I tell him I understand where he is coming from and I make it a habit to save at least $40-$60 and put it in the bank.
But it is your money. You've worked hard for it. I'll say it the way I see it with my money. I've worked hard to earn it, I'll spend it on anything I please. Saving money is important, but whats the point if you work hard and save up a lot of money and never have had a chance to spend it on something you like? Isn't that what money is for? It's like buying a Corvette and keep it in a garage all it's life and never drive it, there's no point. You gotta have fun with life as well as live it.
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We should take care and respect our parents,but parents should respect their kids equally. I respect you highly for taking care of your parents, but don/t think it is right for you to have to leave everything you have worked for. It sounds like you have your financial situation in order, way to go. So many don't. I hope to be able to retire at 50.We'll see. Before dropping everything,discuss it with him, and if he don't like it, he can get an apartment. I think he is afraid you will wind up in the same position as he is, like captkaos said, and you should give it some thought. Unless you can quit working right now, and afford to live on what you have, then you should consider making plans to be able too, which it already sounds like you are.You never know when something will happen to you, or your work. I live in an area that people were making fortunes in the early 80's then lost everything in the late 80's. If you feel comfortably secure in your work area, and financial future,then keep doing what you are doing. There is nothing to worry about, Dad is just concerned. Another thing that I have seen, is investing in fixing these trucks is a type of investing that some don't understand. More often than notm I have seen these trucks go for more than what is financially invested. Granted your time may make that cost go higher, but I do it for a hobby.That is time that wouldn't make money anyway. If I can invest 10,000 over a period of a few years, turn around and sell it for any amount over 10,000, then that amount was saved, and the over amount was profit, plus I didn't blow the money on drugs or any other items that are here today, and flushed tomorrow. Good luck bro, hope it works out for you.
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ask him why doesn't he get mad when you spend your money on him...motorcycle, dodge ram , cougar, ect....... if it only on his convenience? (wow)
if feel you bro. ---- remember you are 34 yrs. old and under the same roof as your parents, not a good idea on my part. instead of splitting the bills. get them an efficiency room....
GOOD LUCK WITH UR DECICIONS ON THIS !
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i apologize for my slow response, but i was busy. And probably will be busy for the next few weeks.
My finanicial is in great shape it`s his thats in the downward spiral he lost his job in 2000 after 23 years with the comapny, i was 26 and helping him and mom................
My name is on the title of the house everything is is in my name..............
In that case, i think what is happening now is, dad is feeling uncomfortable(obviously) about you supporting him and his own finances. All along he was supporting you when you were coming up and now you have to support him and your mom. Can you imagine how that feels? Maybe a little embarrasing? So, maybe this is his "defense mechanism"----to cut you down about your finances secretly makes him feel a little better about his own deal.
1) Are either of your parents working now?
In my case, i have my own apartment(w/garage!!!) but since i work 3 jobs sometimes i'll get off late and just go over to my parent's house to sleep. And they'll get on me about how at 37 i should not be skateboarding anymore. i just smile and tell them that the 2 best skateboarders in the world are in their 40's (Tony Hawk/Rodney Mullen). My theory is that my parents themselves are afraid of getting older.
Anyways, my point about that is i don't get into a big argument about it---they'll just have to accept me for me. Maybe you should try to not get into it too deep with your dad if possible; i don't know how much he actually hounds you about the subject of money.
2) You may want to consider getting an apartment or another house on the other side of town or close by. Yes, i know drastic measures. But you got do to what you got to do sometimes.
3) Whose decision was it to buy the 300 and the motorcycle? When you're finances are tanked, the last thing you do is buy new vehicles.
One thing i'm learning is that you really can't control alot of times how people think---even after you've convinced them that they're wrong. And some people are stubborn. Especially some women.
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Again i appreciate it all(replies and inside thoughts).I am a very meticulous person on my credit and take pride in keeping it clean, heck its basicially your name your keeping it clean.Well he didnt and its sad when QVC (for mom i swear) and home depot want there balances pad off and then they cancel yourmembership due to your credit.I havee helped them out in so many ways in the past 8 years and living under the same roof i think is the burden on this whole thing.I am considering leaving here and possibly getting my own place where i can come n go as i please and will probably be happy that i am on my own. KFOZ its easier said then done, in my heart i cant see throwing them out on the streets, its not me man i just cant do it i rather leave then them.I do indeed look into the future and i try n tell them this truck is the last thing i am gonna build then i am retiring from it but it still doesnt sink into him.But i will play it thru and see what happens, who knows i may end up getting invited to be a roommate for someone talknig to them at work bout this.Its sad you grow up as a kid and work so hard in your life to make all the right decisions and listen to your folks on the friends you choose to be around with and what you should spend your money on and so forth and then what do you got at the end?Regrets what you couldve done then to make it better and make yourself happier.I talked to my mother a few times on what his problem is and she told me she thinks he is jealous cause when he was my age he had to take care of me n my mother and since i am single i can do and what i please and it bothers him but we will see how this goes.
thanks
pat
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I'm gonna jump in here from a younger standpoint but with a somewhat similar situation. I have owned 15 of these trucks since I was 15 years old and I am 19 now. I poured money into all of them and then sold them off at a loss, until now when I have one that is completely original and legal, as in nothing swapped or cobbled. I finally had to state that I am not into drugs or alcohol and I get my school work completed so I dod not see a problem with what I was doing.
Were I in your position, I would state as said in an earlier reply and state that if putting money away is the important thing, then perhaps you should reduce your outgoing finances (the 300, the driver, the bike, etc.) I hate to sound cold about this, but the truck and the cougar seem to be your babies, and you have to have a hobby of some kind, so I would protect them.
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Kevin,
the motorcycle is paid off, the 300 there paying for i just signed for them since there credit is in the backwards position.I also signed for the 2002 intrepid they had before this car because of the same scenario.I will never sell that cougar that car will be around for a long long time, and to really tell you the truth, the truck is actually my mothers, i started tearing it apart in may of 06 and when they seen the problems it had they wanted to yank the drivetrain n junk the rest, well here i am at a good son again and decide to flip the bill on everything i am doing for her.She is a wonderful person and she doesn't get mad when i buy stuff for it.She said"hey its your money you spend it however you want and don't listen to him at all" she is the only reason i stay around to tell ya the truth.I guess sons are drawn to there mothers more then their fathers and vice a versa for females.I just wanna build a nice truck because this truck was their tow vehicle for their 25 foot tagalong trailer they owned in 1994 when they got this truck.Its a very long and complicated story but this truck is in memory of a 1940 we shouldve kept cause it was my grandfathers since 1956 and they sold it due to my ol man losing his job in 2000.I wont get into deep details but i hope to finish it for her while i am still around and watch her enjoy it then retire from the hobby.
thanks
pat
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PAT - THAT IS A WONDERFUL IDEA YOU HAVE.YOUR MOM WILL BE SO PROUD.... in my case my dad just looks at me then stares at the truck and asks me "what are you going to put into it now?" and smiles at my mom......
well this truck(mine posted) used to be my dads we have owned it for around 10 years. and he teases me if i want to trade it for his cadillac ....(no way man!)
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Well Pat, he's had a pretty catastrophic event- a financial failure at a time when things should be much better. I'm not sure that your dad's problems stem from jealousy as much as from failure in his life financially, and maybe he thinks that is the biggest reason for his relationship with you- finances. Assure him it's not. Let him know you love him because he's dad, not someone he's not able to be. None of us are good at everything, and neither should he expect himself to be.
There may be some health issues going on with him as well, and it's unlikely he would feel comfortable sharing them. I know it's happening with me at age 59. You begin to know that the best yrs may truely be behind you. :D Some of us accept it. Others don't-especially if they were competitive in their younger yrs.
Looks like he might be trying to reestablish a relationship with you but doesn't realize he's doing so on a level that doesn't work for you.
Your talents are a blessing to you and us here on this site. Don't let them go because of Dad's weakness. Be frank with him and tell him so. It's always possible he needs professional councilling as well. Keep your spirits up. Mom sounds like a winner.
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Don,
i`ll start off by saying thanks for the kind words.It actually made me smile inside, He went thru quaddriple bypass in 2004 and he really hasnt been the same since.But this has been going on for almost 2 decades and it gets tireing after a while.See the thing is he doesnt take care of anything, he had 4 company cars that were really nice but he never took care of them and they were junk after he had em.I gave him my 1st brand new car i ever bought a 1995 beretta, it was so nice in 2001 before i bought my ram the car had a brand new car smell still in it and i never smoked or let anyone smoke in it.We got rid of it in 2004 after the tranny let go for the 4th time and within that time i paid 1100.00 of 1500.00 for the tranny rebuild and the car wasnt even mine at the time.He drove my truck after that n backed into his school bus and put a real good sized dent in the rear 1/4 and dented the rear tailgate by leaving a padlock on the bumper while opening it and let it slam down. freaked cause it was another 400.00 out of my pocket to have that fixed.His motorcycle we got it in 03 and one time from comming home he clipped the side of the stepsdies rear bumper and busted the saddlebag to the point where it was totally junk.Here i come yet again and buy a very clean saddlebag off of ebay(my 2nd home ;D ) and hand it to him to get it painted to match the bike.I take pride not only into my credit but my property and my rides my philosphy is you take care of something regularly it`ll last a very long time and wont cost you as much then or now to maintain.I plan on trying to apologizing him for my actions sunday but to tell him to be liennant on me buying stuff as i just wanna get this truck done and get it ready for paint by spring of 09.I got alot of work to do to get it to that point which i know i`ll have it done by then.
thanks
pat
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Well I sure look forward to seeing your next truck. Funny thing- here we are a bunch of old truck nuts tryin to figure out each others' lives. Different guys with similar heartaches. I'm not sure if our trucks are a way to get away from the rest of what's goin on or maybe a way to try to hold on to what was once a good thing in better times. Pretty good place to hang out I guess. We all wish you well with all this, Pat. I hope, like Sgt.Del says, that your dad reads this stuff and sees what a good son he has. A man can do a lot of wrong things in his life. But good kids can make him realize that he did the most important thing well. Raisin a family is the hardest thing that life throws at ya.
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Thanks don ;D
I have had alot of friends in the past that made bad choices in life and bad decisions and they never get ahead in life and you kinda feel bad for them but they are grown humans and they chose that path.I got 1 good friend in rhode island that has 4 kids and married and 1 of them is my godchild.Although i never see them alot he is doing very well in his life and made good choices like marry his teenage girlfriend when they were dating in the late 80s and has a nice home and a good future while another friend has 3 kids is a firefighter and is always tired cause all he does is work.Has back problems and is going nowhere cause all he does is work.And i have had other friends that dropped out of school and never made a good living and always thought they were to cool.Well the cool guys live from apartment to apartment and get busted for drugs and go to jail and so forth.To me i am very happy of the cohice decisions i made in my life cause if i made the other decisions liek drop out of school and think i am better then others and do drugs i probably woulnt amount to anything but being a total bum and i couldnt do that i tell ya.I like a good challenge in life and i work hard for everything i got and wouldnt lose it for the world.What i am getting at is if i want something i stay focused and not try n get derailed on sometihng to throw me off.I love these trucks(heck if i didnt i wouldnt be here eh?) and classic cars as well.I keep saying i wanna retire after this truck but i dont see it happening i see me doing another 79-80 shortbed fleetside next like viles 74 and do it up w/ a vette LS1 or LS2 and make it totally radical .
thanks
pat